Who Made That Decision?

Could be in for a lengthy one today. Walked into my session with Nancy last night feeling a little out of sorts. It was different to times I’ve felt out of sorts in the past.

Last night I felt in control. I knew what was bothering me and I had made some decisions that meant I prioritised myself over being pulled in different directions and not saying yes to things for the wrong reasons.

I chose to miss one of the greatest moments in Australian sporting history as I knew that if I cancelled this session I wouldn’t see Nancy for another three weeks because she’s such a fucking weapon and is always booked out.

It sucked that I wasn’t there to support Nedd, but I made the right decision because I knew what I was going to gain in that 50 minute period of questioning, discussion and discovery.

Something that comes up regularly in our discussions is the idea of self concepts and social constructs.

Another term that came up last night was that famous line we always use before we are about it to make a decision that might not be right for us, or when we are about to do something really dumb…

“When in Rome”

Like it excuses us of all responsibility and like we will never have an opportunity like it again. In some instances, we may not. 

In a lot of instances, we most certainly will have the same opportunities many times again. Sometimes valid. Sometimes not.

I began our session expressing something that had got on my nerves from the week prior and how this particular event triggered some pretty important memories and emotions. I went on to elaborate how a number of these memories had been part of what shaped my mentality as a teenager and young adult. Actually, it had kind of shaped how I viewed things up until recently. As recent as this year.

And honestly I didn’t like the fact that I had thought that way.

This lead us into the discussion on self concepts.

To explain, a self concept is different from a social construct. Social constructs or societal norms are things like binge drinking being so normalised  and part of culture in Australia. 

I used that as an example not to judge, but because it seems the most easily relatable for myself, and likely for anyone who reads this.

Social constructs are almost like the things that are so widely accepted that we do them to fit into society. To belong.

A self concept is more what we believe about ourselves and these are formed by our closest attachments as children. Things like, I am a good friend. Or other things like how you view your personality or what you believe about other peoples behaviour because it may or may not align with the self concept you have about yourself.

I can feel this going into a serious rabbit hole haha my brain is already there.

I talk about the butterfly effect a lot. I think I actually wrote it in my last piece.

Reflecting on last nights discussion, self concepts, social constructs, it has sparked thought around the contrast in our decisions. 

Do we ever actually make a decision because it is truly what we want? Or is it always uncontrollably being driven by an unconscious self concept or a desire to fit it and be accepted?

Maybe we overheard something from a parent once upon a time and it’s the reason we choose to do certain things now without knowing why.

You may have had a strict upbringing and choose to rebel as a young adult to spite all the years of restriction.

Maybe you witnessed people around you submit to peer pressure so it became normal to you to just go along with the crowd and do things you wouldn’t usually do because it was cool.

It seems to me that all of our current decisions are in some way shaped by our self concepts and social constructs. Things from our past, and present. Are any of our decisions ours?

Who the fuck knows haha that hurts my head thinking about it.

I shared with Nancy another chat I had last week with someone about how great it was to have people in your life that don’t succumb to peer pressure and ‘norms’. That person who can stand there in a room full of yes’s and be a no. I think that’s cooler than becoming another yes.

There were a lot of topics discussed last night. Kind of feel like I rambled today but that’s actually the beauty of this process. It isn’t perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist.

Usually I have 1-3 key points that I take away from the session, and then those points expand and unravel the more I write. Last night however we talked family, friends, relationships, love languages, I told some jokes, we insulted each other (respectfully of course) and a range of other things.

Writing post session has become routine now because it extends my 50 minute session into a session at least double that time.

More than that, it’s has become necessity.

Writing is the gateway to my subconscious mind.

Writing is clarity to my conscious mind.

Writing is how I allow my heart and mind to breathe.

My last journal I wrote that we think we know ourselves. Honestly we have no fucking clue.

If you think you do, you know probably less than those who recognise they don’t know.

There is an eternity of shit that we don’t even know that we don’t know about ourselves.

Im excited to keep learning,