I Wish I Was Leaner
As of writing this entry, I am 36 years old. As of around 30 minutes ago I weigh 92.6kg. For the last 12-18 months I have constantly fought a battle with myself around wanting to get back down to fighting weight of about 82-84kg. For me that’s where I feel my best. I feel fit, strong and fast at that weight. So each day when I look in the mirror and see my reflection I have a general thought of negativity about my appearance.
I observe my gut, my muffin top, the lack of definition in my chest or abs and so on.
This behaviour and these thoughts are not unfamiliar to me.
The contrast to the above is that I have spent 15 years in the health and fitness industry owning gyms and run clubs and working with elite sports clubs. I have made a career out of empowering people and convincing them to look past appearances.
What is most interesting about this however, is that if I look back at photos of me from when I was at my ‘fighting weight’ of 82-84kg, I am impressed with the shape I was in. Yet I can remember having the exact same thoughts about my weight and appearance back then. I wanted to be under 80kg. Actually, being under 80kg has been a goal for around 15 years and I have never got there.
Despite having generally negative thoughts about my weight and appearance, when it comes to performance I feel I have been able to achieve some pretty significant things.
So where does this pressure come from to look a certain way or get to a certain weight? Why do I feel a constant internal drive to do better or change how I look even though my current shape does not in any way hinder my ability to live a healthy and happy life? I can run fast when needed, I can run long distances, I can pick up heavy things without issues, I can swim in open ocean and rough seas. I am fit and healthy yet I don’t seem to be satisfied.
To a degree, there is power in having goals around weight if it improves quality of life and performance. But personally for the first time writing this I am conceding that I have a poor relationship with my weight and appearance and I am certain that I am not alone.
I could go on with a reason such as social media being to blame. Yes it has a fairly decent impact on societies self image, but poor relationships with self image and weight have been around for decades. Media portrays beauty in specific ways and we as consumers buy it. Being physically attracted to someone or having someone physically attracted to you is a powerful drug only that the high is short lived.
Sitting here writing this piece I look across the room to see my grandparents sitting side by side on a two seater recliner lounge with their feet up watching a TV series they’ve started together. Over 60 years married. Both look absolutely nothing like they did 50 years ago when they were my age yet I have known my grandmother to use companies such as weight watchers and Jennie Craig, and my grandfather had a meal replacement shake for dinner tonight looking to drop a few kilograms over the next few weeks or so.
At some point the high of physical attraction would have subsided and a stronger, more powerful attraction would have taken over. The attraction to each others values and who they are at their core.
So I wonder, with the desire to lose weight, see muscular definition and perform still present in me, how do I hold a standard for myself that encourages performance without the general negativity about my appearance that has come with it for so long?
As I ponder this question I am reminded of another entry titled “You get what you celebrate”
At one stage I was 84kg and wishing I was 79kg but I was shredded. Right now I am 92kg wishing I was 84kg and ignoring things I should be celebrating.
Maybe we should celebrate things like consistency and action.
For the past 3 weeks I have done 3 weights sessions a week, run 4 times a week and been in the ocean most days. These things make me happy and I am proud of my consistency.
I don’t wish I was leaner. I wish to remain consistent and to continue celebrating who I am right now.